October 15

Today is a day I never thought I would be able to claim as my own.  Sadly, here I am. 
Today is October 15, and it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. 

Eight days ago today was the most terrifying day of my life.  This October 15th, my body is healing, and I think my emotions are healing too.  I think the biggest emotion I have towards the experience is fear.  Right now, Joern and I both talk about the loss of the baby, and the sadness involved.  But, when we get to talking about hopes for the future, they are riddled with fear.  What if it happens again?  The thought of going through the same thing is horrible.  I know the doctors said that my right tube is healthy, but there is still a possibility of this happening again.  I know that more than anything I want to be a mom, and I'm pretty sure Joern feels the same way, but I am not ready yet emotionally.  I'm hoping with time that things will change, that our fear will turn into hope and strength. 

I am so sorry for all the other women who have gone through this.  I am sorry for all the husbands who have had to stand by helplessly through the tears, the pain, and the fear.  I have hope for all who have suffered losses that you too will one day be a parent.  I have hope for myself too, just not quite yet.